I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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