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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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