If that was your dad, he is hot
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
