how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This house was built for laser tag.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
