I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
