Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
