Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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