god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
