so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
