If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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