I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
