Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
