I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize