Acid is not a monday night drug
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
