Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
