remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
