Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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