I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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