I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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