You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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