woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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