I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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