dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
