this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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