I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
