You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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