Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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