I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
