But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We need to get me chipped asap
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
