The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
