Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
