I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
