Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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