it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize