I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
