she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
