It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
