Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
