im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize