a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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