I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
