Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
