i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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