if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
