I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
