what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
