I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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