I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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