I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
