I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize