Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
