She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
