the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
