my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize