dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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