Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
