i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
