Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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