Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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