they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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