if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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