Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
