The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize