Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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